For whom the Bog Rolls

Here is a bit of a thought-experiment for a Monday afternoon.

Lunchista could be said to be over-optimistic about human nature, but I think I can be reasonably sure that there are certain petty, unpleasant things that are just never done in this part of the world these days. Not only are they not done, but they are so patently stupid and pointless that they are not even thought about.

For example: I have never known of anyone urinating on a war memorial and, swine flu or no, nobody ostentatiously picks their nose in public. Only a die-hard sociopath would shout abuse across the street at someone who happens to be in a wheelchair. And the days are long gone when anyone would nick the loo-rolls from the loos in public buildings.

Might I add that it took me a full 20 minutes to think of these examples: you could say that they are almost unthinkable, in fact. There is a level of civilisation which we so take for granted, we would be shocked if we were to wake up one morning and find it gone.

But let us suppose that some intrepid journalist took it upon themselves to investigate what we were really like, and he or she happened to find that in spite of all protestations to the contrary, a loo-roll went missing in, say, Bradford (Whether or not it was an Inside Job, I leave to your imagination). Wouldn't that be a Story? Perhaps their Editor is on a "public morals" jag that particular week, and teams the piece up with a thundering editorial about the potential threat to society posed by the plague of loo-roll thefts in the North of England. People read about it and tut. Southerners indulge in a bit of schadenfreude because It Couldn't Happen Here. Politicians pick it up, thinking it must be a barometer of the public mood. They seize on it to divert attention from the Expenses Scandal and the Leadership Question.

The effect on the Great British Public would be to hear people that we despise telling us never, ever, to nick loo-rolls because it is immoral, plays into the hands of terrorists, threatens democracy, is bad for jobs, you name it. All of a sudden loo-roll theft has come from nowhere to being an Issue. Imagine the front page of The Guardian (famous for its typos):

Toile tIssue

And the editorial in The Sun:

The Sun Says: Bog Off

Of course by now celebrities are getting in on it, meaning that a whole load more rich people we despise (or envy) are telling us how evil the practice is. Business leaders, wanting to look honest and public-spirited, follow suit.

The Archbishop of York (who has the advantage of actually being honest and public-spirited) joins in, saying it is "Wicked" and "Despicable", which happen by an unfortunate coincidence to be terms of admiration in the Rapping and Skateboarding communities.

It gets to the point where nobody can choose to not comment about the issue: you either have to speak about it (against it, of course) or look suspicious. It also gets to the point where the Great British Public are sick of being lectured.

Finally a representative of the Association of Chief Police Officers, put on the spot by a TV interviewer, admits that if anyone were to actually nick a loo-roll, then due to under-funding of the police force their chances of being caught are practically zero.

And then one Thursday lunchtime you find yourself in a little cubicle where you absolutely know that nobody is watching. Sitting before you is a whole, untouched, crisp, white, loo-roll. Obviously you are not so poor that you need to steal a loo-roll, but it's the principle of the thing: it's your chance to tell hypocritical politicians, rip-off businesses and vacuous celebrities where to go. It's a victimless crime, you convince yourself. The thought would never have crossed your mind before, but because of all the publicity, it has become Temptation Beyond Endurance.

Back in the non-hypothetical world, Lunchista (and just to clarify, it was not a BNP rosette on Thursday) has been invited to a "The BNP don't represent us!" rally. Dear reader, should I go, or should I stay at home?